March Madness: Punchlines
by OnkelJo
Summary: Follow a memorable day in the life of Khalisah Al-Jilani. Entry for the "March Madness" Contest in Aria's Afterlife Forum.
1. Chapter 1

**March Madness Contest (Pt. 1) - This is gonna be fun...**

_*** ACCESSING ALLIANCE MILITARY DATABASE … ***_

_*** RECEIVING TRANSCRIPT ... ***  
_

_*** TRANSCRIPT RECEIVED. ***  
_

_*** ENTRY LOG NO. 1 ***  
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_DATE: *REDACTED*, 0837 HRS GALACTIC STANDARD TIME (GST)_

_C-SEC ACADEMY (SERPENT NEBULA / WIDOW / CITADEL); _

_KHALISAH AL-JILANI, WESTERLUND NEWS / CDR. JOHN SHEPARD, ALLIANCE MILITARY N7 BRANCH, COUNCIL SPECIAL TACTICS AND RECONNAISSANCE_

- Commander Shepard! Commander Shepard!

- Yes? What do you want?

- Khalisah Al-Jilani, Westerlund News. Can I ask you a few questions?

- Make it quick, I don't have time for reporters.

- Our viewers are very concerned about your inauguration as Council Spectre. Some say, it's only a bone the council is throwing humanity.

- In that case, they have thrown a dangerous bone, because if there's a human out there who's up for the task of being the first human spectre, it's me. They chose me because I get the job done. I bring results. I work efficient. I am everything humanity stands for. I'm sure there will soon follow more human spectres.

- Wow, you are pretty confident. Onto our next question. What do you say to the accusation that the most advanced ship in the Alliance Military is handed over to the Council?

- 'Handed over' is such a strong word. Last time I checked, I was the commanding officer on the Normandy, and I'm both human and Alliance. Besides, as soon as the Council can't ignore my competence anymore, we will get a seat on the Council anyway and then this point is moot.

- And what of you alien crew members? Aren't they a security risk?

- No, of course not. Why would we let them on board if they were? They are on the ship because they are all experts in what they do. I only work with the best of the best. And if they happen to be aliens, I don't give a shit. I just invite them aboard. And apparently, it works. We have, just to name a few, a krogan battlemaster, a turian C-Sec-Officer and a quarian machinist aboard and we work just fine together.

- Interesting. What else is interesting, is that not a single batarian is on the ship. Are you xenophobic, or do you just hate batarians?

- I'm not xenophobic. I just haven't met a competent batarian yet whom I could trust. And as I distrust batarians in general since they raided my home colony and killed my parents, I'm proud to say that not a single batarian has set foot on my ship. We even have toilet graffiti with "BATARIANS OUT!" scribbles. They're remarkably detailed and show promising talent.

- Oh, I see. Now that your coming-out as a xenophobic is behind you, will you join up with Cerberus?

- Lady, haven't you been listening? I just said I'm not xenophobic.

- Aha! Dear viewers, did you see how he dodged this question? It is confirmed, Commander Shepard, first human spectre already works for Cerberus, the disavowed, militant branch of Alliance Military!

- Now listen, you deaf doll, Cerberus is a disgrace for humanity. I'd die sooner than to work for Cerberus! Cerberus is a piece of shit; while I encourage promoting human interests, those sick nutjobs experiment on humans, the very same beings whose interests they supposedly have sworn to protect.

- Oh, this keeps getting better and better! Commander Shepard supports Cerberus openly! How long until Alliance command is fully under control of Cerberus? Has it maybe already happened?

_*** END OF INTERVIEW DUE TO PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TOWARDS MISS AL-JILANI. ESTIMATED INJURIES: BROKEN NOSE (MS. AL-JILANI); SPLIT LIP (MS. AL-JILANI); BRUISED KNUCKLES (RIGHT HAND) (CDR. SHEPARD). CDR. SHEPARD LEAVES THE SCENE ***_

- Oh, I will so sue Alliance command for that one! They will pay dearly for this embarrassment! OUCH!

_*** MS. AL-JILANI LEAVES THE SCENE. EYEWITNESSES CONFIRM NEXT LOCATION: DR. MICHEL'S CLINIC ***_

_*** END OF ENTRY LOG NO. 1 ***_


	2. Chapter 2

**March Madness Contest (Pt. 2)**

_*** RECEIVING TRANSCRIPT … ***_

_*** TRANSCRIPT RECEIVED. ***_

_*** ENTRY LOG NO. 2 ***_

_DATE: *REDACTED*, 0956 HRS GALACTIC STANDARD TIME (GST)_

_EMBASSY DISTRICT (SERPENT NEBULA / WIDOW / CITADEL); KHALISAH AL-JILANI, WESTERLUND NEWS / AMBASSADOR DONNEL UDINA_

- Ambassador Udina?

- Yes? What can I do for you, madam?

- Khalisah Al-Jilani, Westerlund News. Our viewers are very interested in our first Spectre, Commander Shepard. How did you came to the conclusion that you should put him forward as a candidate for Spectreship?

- Firstly, I want to say that I'm honored to be able to speak on humanity's behalf to your viewers. Although I don't exactly appreciate being ambushed outside my office. Secondly, what happened to your face? That's a serious wound you have there.

- It was a work accident. Now, answer my question!

- It was a long process, that much I can say. Unfortunately, the details of how a Spectre candidate is chosen are classified.

- By whom? The Alliance? Or the Council?

- Both, Miss Al-Jilani. However, as a guideline, a Spectre has to be a paragon of his or her kind.

- Does this apply to Shepard too, then?

- I would consider it to be implied, yes. Why should the Council agree to him, otherwise?

- Well, I don't know. Maybe because the Council thought him to be the most xenophile candidate? A… loyal pet?

- You are right…

- A-ha! You admit that Shepard is nothing but a tool to the Council! Wait until our viewers grasp the gravity of that statement. This is gold!

- Please let me finish. You are right that you don't know. Neither do I. I can't look into the councilor's heads, can I? What I do know is that all the candidates humanity had offered for the first spot on the Spectres were above all doubt. I don't particularly care which one they took, because, frankly, they all would've been great choices.

- Oh, so you are indifferent about the Council's choice? Why should you still be represent humanity if you don't even care about such a huge honor?

- You know full well your statement is not worth the energy your drone used in the time you said it. Besides, why do you consider a human Spectre to be 'a huge honor'? As far as I can remember, you dubbed it "a bone the council is throwing humanity" just this morning. Why the sudden change? I always thought serious reporters to be more consistent.

- I am a serious reporter!

- Then you should know that a serious reporter would have made an appointment with my secretary instead of ambushing me on the street. I only gave you the time you had out of the kindness of my heart. And I believe this time is over right now, I'm afraid. Goodbye, Miss Al-Jilani.

- But… wait, ambassador! Wait! What do you say to the accusation of unnecessary violence towards the press concerning Commander Shepard?

- He's a spectre now, I don't have jurisdiction over him. If you have a complaint, file it with C-Sec like everybody else. Now, excuse me. I have appointments to keep.

- You will not get away with this!

_- END OF INTERVIEW DUE TO ATTEMPTED PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TOWARDS AMBASSADOR UDINA; ESTIMATED INJURIES: NONE. PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TOWARDS MS. AL-JILANI (RULED SELF-DEFENSE); ESTIMATED INJURIES: BLACK EYE (LEFT) (MS. AL-JILANI); BRUISED CHEEKBONE (LEFT) (MS. AL-JILANI); BRUISED KNUCKLES (RIGHT HAND) (AMBASSADOR UDINA). -_

_- AMBASSADOR UDINA LEAVES THE SCENE AFTER ARRIVAL OF EMT; UNCONSCIOUS MS. AL-JILANI IS BROUGHT BACK TO DR. MICHEL'S CLINIC. -_

_***END OF ENTRY LOG NO. 2***_


End file.
